Grieving an Almost Lover

He started off as a mediocre Coffee Meets Bagel profile. Honestly, none of the pictures in his profile gave me a clear depiction of his face but I matched with him anyway. We chatted for a couple days, and my only observation of him was that he replied with lengthy texts. I appreciated it, in the midst of low-effort men who texts “haha cool” (Consider the conversation OVER) I met him in person for dinner the first time three weeks ago. To be honest, he seemed nice, laughed a lot, but he seemed very white-washed in contrast to my very Asian cultural affiliation. He asked me to go to a bar for beers after, and I started appreciating the little things he did. He’d insist on getting me a fork for me when I dropped it, he walked me to my car in the parking lot, and he walked me in areas that looked sketchy. In my 1+ year experience of online dating, he was the first guy who was consistently chivalrous — not as an act, but that’s just who he is. We chatted over beers without realizing it was soon 12am. You know you’re having fun with a special person when time seems to escape you. I’ll never forget saying goodbye during the first date. He didn’t play games but eagerly asked me for another date during the same weekend. That was very refreshing in the sea of men who go silent after a date and you’re left anxious at the end of your seat wondering, “Is he going to ask me out again??” When we hugged goodbye, he affectionately nuzzled his chin into me and I remember thinking Ah — I think he likes me.

On our second date, he taught me how to lift weights at the gym. Not the most romantic, but he always wiped down equipments for me and was always looking out for me. We ended up hiking near a creek near his house. He brought me a jacket to wear — what a gentlemen! He lent me his hand to cross uneven rocks and always made sure he was walking on the side of the cliffs. What I particularly loved was that he acted as this knight in shining armor not only to me but random strangers who needed help. It’s the little actions that mean the most. We went to eat after, and he let me choose whatever my heart desired. The conversations flowed so naturally — it’s as if I’ve known him for way longer! It turns out we’re a lot more similar than I thought — we grew up in the same area, have similar healing experiences with therapy, are both the emotionally expressive type who journals/blogs, love the same food and to work out to name a few.

When the bill arrived, I pulled out my wallet. He replied, “When you’re with me, you don’t need to worry about it. Call me old fashioned”. I’ve never ever stumbled upon a guy who fiercely and generously insists on treating his dates all the time. We didn’t want the date to end so we ended up taking a stroll in a Chinese market. For once, I’ve met a guy that I could see myself doing mundane daily activities — like grocery shopping — with. We somehow managed to make 99 Ranch fun, lively, and romantic. When we were together, we never wanted our dates to end. They were always 6+ hours each. We ended up at an ice cream parlor after our walk.

During our third date, he opened up about his previous relationships, the hurt it caused him, and how religion and therapy pulled him out of it. I always wanted a guy who was Christian yet could still socially drink with me. He was it. We drank cocktails, and we had our first kiss. It was intimate, and I felt so close to him. I was thinking, I really like this one. I drank one too many cocktails because I suddenly blacked out while seated in my stool. I heard him saying, “Michelle! Michelle! Wake up!” He was concerned — stated that when I was blacked out for 10 minutes, it felt like an hour. He was about to call the hospital if I didn’t wake up when I did. When I opened my eyes in consciousness, he gave me the biggest bear hug and nuzzled my hair. He exclaimed, “Oh god Michelle, you scared the shit out of me! I’m so glad you’re okay!” It touched me to see how genuinely concerned he was and how well he took care of me. We Ubered home holding hands affectionately.

On our fourth date, he told me he really liked me and wanted to take me out for my birthday the following week. But he also had some reservations about us. Most of the reservations were out of my control. They pertained to his personal issues that stemmed from the hurt he still harbors from his previous relationship. Additionally, he felt that I had some growing to do due to the different life stages (or career) we were in. In addition, he was torn in what he looked for in a partner — perhaps someone more religious than him. He encouraged me to date others and not to have expectations. My heart sank when I realized this “perfect man” wasn’t asking me to be his girlfriend so we could live happily ever after. Caught in a daze, I didn’t know how to responded. I agreed we could keep seeing each other until he figures out if I am what he wants because I did not wanna stop seeing him.

The next morning, I teared up typing him a lengthy text message saying I can’t see him anymore until he figures out if he wants to pursue something serious with me. It already hurt ending things after amazing four dates. I can’t keep seeing him because it would hurt so much more. I like him more and more every time I see him. I found myself getting flushed pink while crying as I sent the text. He replied with what I believe was the real reason he had reservations. It turns out that I am eerily similar to his ex-girlfriend who ended up hurting him really bad. Their relationship started off like a fire — it ignited in fiery flames — but ended up with everyone getting burnt. He told me he fell hard for me like he did with her. It scared him because he doesn’t want either of us to get hurt. When he was with me, he gets reminded of her — which he hated but can’t help it. It was a red flag in and of itself. But he also said all he wants to do is spend more and more time with me — there’s so much he wants to eat, drink, and do with me. I agreed — everything is suddenly so much more exciting when I experience them with him. I got so used to seeing him every weekend, texting him everyday, and fantasizing about the future we could have.

I’ve never met a guy who not only checks all my boxes, but is also someone I vibe with. Someone who is mostly wholesome and Christian but can also get lit and drink with me in bars. I wanted him to meet my family — I think my dad would approve of his job. I think my mom would like that he’s Chinese. I wanted him to meet my friends. I think my best friends would be happy that I finally found a good guy who treats me like a queen.

I always thought it was so simple — guy likes girl, girl likes guy — they become a couple. I’m realizing that previous hurt and trauma from experiences can play a role. Hurt people hurt people. But also, hurt can prevent people from fully opening themselves to be so vulnerable to date others again. Right person, wrong time, wrong circumstance? Grieving a relationship during the very beginning stages can be even worse than year long relationships. I’m imagining all that we could’ve been and all that we could’ve done. He’s this perfect person because I haven’t even gotten to learn about his flaws and his annoying habits. It’s painful but time heals all wounds.

The silver lining to this experience is that I know — 18 dates later — I found a man who I could really fall for. Good men like this are out there. It could take me 18 more horrible dates with fuckboys. But, he taught me how I deserved to be treated and not to settle for less. Thank you ❤ Maybe in another circumstance we could’ve worked out. It will take me some time, but I’ll put myself back out there after these wounds aren’t as fresh.

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