Responding vs Reacting

We have all been there, getting upset at something that has happened or with what someone has said, and our reaction is not exactly helpful. Perhaps it was our short retort, a cutting put-down, or a simple “you’re done.” Regardless, reactions are rarely helpful and generally do not get us to where we want to go.

Responses differ from reactions by being more thoughtful, careful, and deliberate. While a reaction is reflexive, and without conscious thought, almost like flinching when you see something flying toward your face, a response is the carefully considered counter action.

Some people worry about what kind of message the suppression of your reaction reflex sends — does it imply weakness if something happens and you don’t react? On the contrary, not reacting shows tremendous control, and giving yourself the time to develop a careful response allows you to demonstrate the strength or compassion that is ultimately needed.

The argument for responding and not reacting can be a fairly easy one to make, far easier than the actual doing. Suppressing your reaction reflex can be a difficult thing to master, especially if you have been reacting to situations your whole life.

The key to suppression of your reaction reflex is practice and mental rehearsal. Rehearse in your mind what you will tell yourself to stop your reaction. I remind myself that people are often trying to get a reaction from me — coincidentally, I have used the same rationale in raising my children and trying to get them to not react to their siblings’ taunts! Once you remind yourself that someone is trying to get you to react, it becomes a bit easier to pause. Gradually, you will learn to control the temptation to react and the delay will seem less like work.

Once you have cooled and you have the ability to do a more objective analysis of the situation, you can craft your response. By no means is responding a passive or weak course of action. Responses can be strong, aggressive, or devastating to people — not that they always should be. The key is delaying to give you time to be more reflective and thoughtful about how you will respond, instead of letting your lizard brain make the important decisions for you.

When you react, you are giving away your power. When you respond, you are staying in control of yourself.

-Bob Proctor

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